The Killer's Vanilla

GUEST POST: Decorating for the Holidays

Christmas is a ridiculous time where the big, cheesy, goofy kid in all of us comes out. We’re normal people for the majority of the year, but when December rolls around, we all turn into that lady from QVC’s Quacker Factory.

Christmas lights! Tree-shaped sugar cookies! Santa! Hot Chocolate! Rudolph! We’re excited for it ALL.

But those goddamned hipsters just can’t get on board. I get it: it’s hard for them to express any sort of holiday cheer when they’re trying to appear sullen and joyless all of the time. While people across the globe are joining hands and singing “Joy to the World,” all they want to do is sit in front of their computer and take unsmiling sepia-toned photos of themselves.

It all seems pretty ridiculous—the idea that they can’t embrace the time of year when even the biggest assholes try to act sort of nice. But, let’s be fair: we’re looking at it from one side. Maybe there’s a point to all of this eye-rolling about Christmas that they’re doing. And so, I give you an internal monologue of a Hipster who refuses to decorate for the holidays:

Yes, I see you people. You and your rosy cheeks and scarves, carting home pointsettas and Christmas lights and bags of fake snow. Let me tell you this: I’m not giving in to your commercialism. I am not decorating for Christmas.

I’m well aware that my decision to not decorate for Christmas turns me into a caricature of the Grinch. Someone who can’t embrace things such as cookie baking, tree decorating, or wasting an entire Saturday afternoon assembling a snowman in my front yard.

I’m not trying to be an asshole, I have several reasons why I won’t decorate for Christmas:

1. I know you think that my tall, skinny frame and my weird, gangly arms would make me the best possible candidate for stringing Christmas lights, but I assure you that I can’t stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. Why? Because all I ate today was a spoonful of hummus and 45 cups of black coffee.

2. While I can appreciate the irony of an “Ugly Holiday Sweater” party, you will never see me goofing around in a Santa hat. Santa Claus was created to instill greed in children as soon as they’re old enough to start articulating a wish list. I know this because I Wikipedia’d the history of “Saint Nicolas” on my iPad that my parents bought for me last Christmas.

3. People with big Christmas displays make me sad. I mean, why are you trying so hard? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE? There’s nothing more pathetic than trying at life. I’d rather sit here with my mulled cider and look out the window wistfully. I am so mad. SO MAD AT THE SNOW.

4. I’m going home to my parents’ mansion in Connecticut and they decorate it really beautifully. I can’t wait to see it! Uh, I mean: I’M NOT GOING HOME. I’M AN ORPHAN. MY NAME IS OLIVER. OLIVER TWIZT. Hey, that would be a great DJ name. I don’t even care anymore. Whatever, bye.

Amanda Waas is a regular contributor to F’d in Park Slope. She is also the creator of the douchey gift blog You’re Welcome. Follow her on Twitter for more vaguely amusing commentary.

(Photo: YellowBugBoutique/Etsy)

(via Emergency Christmas Cocktails)

At some point over the holidays, your family may run out of traditional alcohol. Luckily you can mix up some killer drinks with the stuff in the back of the liquor cabinet.

retrogasm:

Merry Christmas from Ava Gardner

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer | Newsdesk

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer first appeared in 1939 when Montgomery Ward department store asked one of its copywriters, 34-year-old Robert L. May, to create a Christmas story the store could give away to shoppers as a promotional gimmick.

The retailer had been buying and giving away coloring books for Christmas every year; and it was decided that creating its own book would save money. In the first year of publication, 2.4 million copies of Rudolph’s story were distributed by Montgomery Ward.